10/21/12 G.L.A.D. Chronicles – Week 3 Perception, For A Person With Depression

I’m afraid a cheerful post isn’t in the cards for this week. I can’t write fiction. Life this week has felt like Rod Serling came back from the grave and used me for an episode of “Twilight Zone“. Things started out normally. I made use of my new inhaler and cheerfully walked a bit, ate sensibly, got to bed at a decent time and felt pretty darn good.

Circumstances took an invisible dip on Wednesday. A coworker decided to retire and a retirement luncheon went on at work that day. The Chief paid a visit for the luncheon and I exchanged a few pleasant words with him. After a time, being around humans was starting to get to me, and I went back to my office to make a cup of coffee and get back to work. If this were a movie set, you would have seen a villanous fog start to seep in under the door. My mood started to plummet and I couldn’t do much besides sit back and watch it. I wondered if the Chief were going to talk to my Captain and tell him to fire me. I wondered if the higher-ups were putting their heads together and deciding what to do with a complete incompetent like me. I wondered all kind of no-ending-but-bad things. Before too long, I thought about going in and giving my notice. Thankfully, common sense managed to keep me in my office, but the week went nowhere but downhill from there.

I write this to let you view a tiny part of what goes on in a person’s mind who has depression. I don’t always know WHY an episode starts. All I can tell you is that within a few days, I wasn’t sure what the merits of being alive were. It’s not that I felt like ending my life. It’s that I couldn’t come up with a convincing argument that life is worth all the hassle sometimes. Life is HARD. It would be so easy to not go to work everyday, to not pay my bills and let someone else pick up the tab. I began to wonder why it’s so important to me to do the right thing. Living right is EXHAUSTING. Or so it felt this week. The merits of life and death got a little mixed up for me. Life is hard, death is heaven and being with God. I don’t necessarily want to go there today, but I very much look forward to being with my Heavenly Father, Jesus, and all of my loved ones who are already there… someday.

I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m losing my temper a lot lately, yelling like a rabid politician who’s seeing their poll numbers drop. And I don’t approve that message of how to conduct myself. Growing up with a dad who yelled more than he didn’t, I know he loved me, but man, could the guy make me shiver in my shoes when he was on a roll. I swore I’d never be that person. How I hate it when I am.

I didn’t go to church today. My still-twisted thinking decided I’d have to miss about three months of Sundays before anyone would notice, and I went back to bed. I’d show them. I don’t know if anyone noticed or not, but I felt like a jackininny when I started to put two and two together and realize what a load of bunk I’ve been falling for the past few days. I did what any sensible person does who’s having a mental and spiritual crisis. I went on Facebook and asked my friends for prayer. All I know is that I felt an immediate need for divine help and in 2012, Facebook is quicker than telephoning a dozen people.

I can’t say that I’m feeling la-di-dah wonderful now, but the pros and cons of death look a lot clearer and I feel the divine strength and ability to go a few more rounds with this thing called ‘life’. Oh, and I’m pleased to report that I’m making great progress on the decluttering project in my Sanity Room. I’ve cleared the way enough to get back to having coffee with God in the mornings. My wonderful minister, Ryan, lent me a Bible called the Serendipity Bible. I’ve got it ready for the morning and will get my backside to bed on time tonight, come hell or high water, so that I can get up and start the day with my Creator… and Folger’s in my cup!



05/23/12 What Would You Buy If You Had The Money?

Reading about the places Diana Frey used a credit card to buy things that would be paid for out of her Union’s funds; I got to daydreaming about what I would purchase if I could have an unlimited cash flow.

I’ve decided I’m quite boring! My list would be something like this:

Book Stores, an open-ended account to Amazon.com, Book Stores, a candle shop, an occasional movie, a store that sells Flair pens and Gel tip pens, Book Stores, possibly a few coffee shops, a tea shop, maybe a stone squirrel for my garden.

Hmmm, I sound greedy. There aren’t any gifts listed for my family. Let them get their own unlimited imaginary funds to plan lavish spending with!

At the end of the day, I suppose I’ll keep working and not dip into the company bank accounts. I have an awfully healthy fear of having to take showers with bunches of strange women in an open setting. 🙂

Have a blessed day!

4/21/12 Life Isn’t Always BIG Moments

I remember beginning this blog, sitting at the dining room table just like I am today. Window open (to hear the birds) and hot coffee were my only requirements. That seems to be the case today! The thing with writing a blog, for me, is that I feel like I should have a BIG topic to write about. 

The only big things lately in my life have been doing my tax forms on April 15th and 16th. Surprisingly, we’re getting refunds. Not sure how that happened. I’m grateful. A little money is always a nice thing. Two or three years ago, I ended up owing an obscene amount of money (obscene to me, a drop in the bucket to Donald Trump). I did mystery shops during 2009. It clearly wasn’t for the money; or the taxes I’d pay later! The shops provided escape from pain and a bit of an adventure. There were some funny moments! In retrospect, I learned a lot about some unexpected things. That’s not so bad, at the end of the day.

Filing online is an option and touted as FREE, but only if you make under $2. a year, it seems. Life is funny; I’ll waste money on a lot of things, but tell me I have to pay to have someone else fill out my forms and that just tears it! I refuse to pay someone else to file my taxes. I’m a numbers addict. Love the thrill of making the numbers all come out right. I told you my life is pathetically not big!

I’m still in my friend Deb’s book club. We’ve read some brilliant books. The newest selection is “Icy Sparks“. I got the large print edition from the library this week (LOVE large print!) and I’ll let you know what I think.

I took a break from working with my elderly friends recently. One lament is that I only have so many hours in the day. My job, home life, sleeping, writing and reading consume most of my time. Craig bought lottery tickets to help us win early retirement. Alas, we didn’t win big and we’re both still working. 🙂 It’s spring time and I’ve signed to do a few birthday visits with Little Brother’s friends. Their Senior Prom is in May and I think that’s going to be a wonderful evening. Don’t laugh, but I never went to a prom in my life. How ironic: I finally get to go to a prom, but only because I’m escorting the elderly to their prom. Life throws you a chuckle every so often!

My son leaves for Andros Island in the Bahamas soon. For the first time in fifteen years, I’ll be without child for more than an over-nighter. What does a person do without kids in the house? My school never took us to the Bahamas. We thought it was a big deal to ride a bus with our French teacher Mrs. Malvitch (sorry, I can’t remember how to spell it and she’s probably not still around to correct me!) down to Florida for a few days during Spring Break.

Well, I must depart for now. In celebration of Earth Day, Garden Street Recycling is paying seventy cents a pound for aluminum cans. I have about ten bags to haul down. Recyling paid for most of Kevin’s trip to Andros and it’s time to start saving for next year’s trip!

Blessings and do something positive for the Earth this weekend!

01/20/12 I Can Be Romantic!

Vintage Romance Novels

Image by Stewf via Flickr

It has come to my attention that I am woefully inept when it comes to writing romantic poetry. The mere thought makes me wretch. It’s not that I don’t LIKE romance, I do. I’ve just never been drawn to books or poems about other people swapping spit and/or body fluids.

However, as  a poet, I must learn to stretch my wings. I sat down yesterday and determined I would write a poem about romance! I tried to think of what I felt romantic about.

Here is the result. Please let me know if you think I have any hope for a future of writing bodice rippers and schmaltzy love stuff!


Oh How I Love Thee

 We met when I was but a lass
I knew this feeling could not pass
You swept me off my lovestruck feet
Attraction caused feelings so sweet

Taste the magic upon my lips
Try as I might my control slips
I must have you morning and night
Warmest nectar such delight

Deprived of you my body aches
Head throbbing my composure breaks
Coffee, Coffee hurry and brew
Life’s sweeter with a cup of you!