9/16/11 Sometimes The Serenity Prayer Is All I’ve Got

Sometimes an acquaintance I call “Pain” comes knocking and The Serenity Prayer is all I’ve got to answer it with. Pain can visit for a moment or it can stay for years. This is one of those times. There is a person I love very much who’s chosen a life of drugs. If you’re fortunate enough to not know anyone who’s destroyed their life in this way, then this blog may not speak to you.

If you do know the living hell for the friends and family of a person who has chosen this path, then please bare with me while I do an open share.

I do not know what to do with this pain today. It’s nearly unmanageable. It seems like an oxymoron to say I’m feeling completely numb, but that’s how it is.

I’m not sure why I’m writing. Maybe because Pain is silently screaming out of my pores, making my eyes leak tears, it’s so hard to breathe and my heart feels twice as heavy as it physically is.

I can not choose another person’s actions. I can offer love, drive them to meetings and church; believe them over and over when they tell me they’re sober.  Never mind that the words sound like the practiced speech of a parrot; their hollow face and stranger’s eyes tell me I don’t have a clue that I no longer know this person.

I naively thought in the past that because I had issues with eating and excess weight, I could somehow understand their plight. No, I do not. Food never cost me my family, multiple jobs, a place to live, trips to jail and the ER. Food didn’t turn me into a liar. Well, maybe I shouldn’t be so quick on that one. The last words weren’t a judgement on someone. They’re a: “I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DO WHAT YOU DO.”

This person is in intensive care as I write this. The memories of the person I used to hang out with and swore I loved unconditionally collide with the zombie who’s taken over my loved one.

I don’t know what to do. I reach for my serenity coin and repeat:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 


7 thoughts on “9/16/11 Sometimes The Serenity Prayer Is All I’ve Got

  1. Sue, I am so sorry that you are in such pain right now. I wish that I had a magic wand to make you feel better. Writing out your feelings, as you did, I believe helps a lot.

    You mentioned that you took your friend to meetings, but is there a support group that the family members & friends can attend?

    Know that you have been a loving & supportive friend throughout, but people with drug addictions can’t accept reality.

    Take care, & I will keep you & your friend in my thoughts & prayers.

  2. Sue, as I read this it makes me feel sad because I suspect I know who this could be. If it is, I know your love for this person has been unwavering, but unfortunately cannot change the choices and outcomes. Even though I do not talk with you on a regular basis you are on my mind often and I will continue to pray for you and this person. Life and love are so fragile……

    • Thank you very much. The thing I have to remind myself of often, well, there are a lot of things I have to remind myself of…. anyway… my timing is not God’s timing, I can’t see the future or know its outcome, I only need to take life one day at a time. The things I feel will surely kill me because they can hurt so badly usually provide the greatest life lessons… in the proper time.
      It’s really nice to hear from you.
      Sending a big hug to you and Steve.

  3. The distance between a helping hand and a needful hand …is filled with faith in God. Do what you can and let God do the rest.

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